Just Say No

Everyone is trying to sell me something.

The other morning I awoke on the Peace of Mind houseboat moored on Nageen Lake in Srinagar, Kashmir from the first good night sleep I've had since arriving in India. I hadn't slept much the previous night in Delhi, which is becoming a pattern for reasons I'll get into later, and so the night before I was very happy to have had a hot shower, a simple meal of rice, dal, a cabbage stew of sorts, and some spiced cauliflower, and then gone off to bed under some heavy blankets (it gets cold here at night) snuggled up against the most welcome of luxuries, a miraculous hot water bottle that stayed warm all night.

I was enjoying the warming morning sun on the deck of the houseboat when an elderly dark-skinned Muslim gentleman paddled up in a skiff laden with pots of local flowers arranged in color from bright canary yellows through carnation oranges to burnt umber on into vermilion reds and finally to the depths of purple/violet. I made the mistake of grabbing my camera and so he knew I was taken by the sight from the start. Speaking broken but understandable English, he offered a free flower which looked as if it were a purple flame and then proceeded into the soft sell. I ended up paying more for a pot of dying flowers than I ever would have even in New York. By the way, the motto written on the inside of his skiff is "Mr.BulBul Flower Man... every seed is my possible in my boat". Not quite sure what he means by that but I can think of one thing...

During a breakfast of Kashmiri green tea, flat bread with butter and jam (some sort of berry very much like strawberry), and an "omelet" I was interrupted by a man wishing to sell me some of his "family's" traditional Kashmiri paintings. As a side note, I later read in my guide book that many houseboat operators allow local sellers onto the boat to try and make some commissions off what is sold... true enough. I said I'd be willing to look at the paintings for fear of not wanting to offend the man and so he sat down on the floor, opened his duffel bag, and proceeded to give me his pitch... "you my first customer, today is a lucky day, tomorrow is the holiday, you bring luck by buying (my crap)"... while unfurling some of the most kitschy "paintings" of the Hindu gods, animals, and Kashmiri landscapes all done in a sort of cartooning way on black velvet. He asked me to put aside any of the ones that I thought interesting and so I reluctantly pointed out one of Sita and Radha and another of a tiger. Out of curiosity I asked him how much and he said "you my first customer, today is a lucky day, tomorrow is the holiday, you bring luck by buying". How much? $50 USD for both? Crazy. As I got up to leave I told him that I couldn't afford to buy them and that I couldn't spend any money. He then asked me what I could spend and I have no idea why I continued but I tried the diplomatic approach and said I didn't want to offend him because they were clearly worth more than how little I could afford. With him pressing the issue I finally said 1000 Rs ($25 USD) not even wanting either of them and in fact feeling a bit upset for even allowing myself to be in this position. After him saying he couldn't sell for that, and me saying I couldn't pay more, I ended up with two paintings on black velvet that I now have to lug around for the next three months for 1000 Rs.

On offer to the highest bidder: two lovely paintings done in the traditional Kashmiri kitsch style on black velvet... Sita/Radha and Tiger. I'll start the bidding at $1 USD if any one's interested. They're beautiful, no really.

Why do I have such a hard time saying no?! ...which is in a way how I ended up in Kashmir to begin with. Apparently, as I learned afterwards, Kashmir is known for VERY aggressive tactics among the local people selling their goods (and "good" is not necessarily appropriate). Perhaps this wasn't really the right place for a person of my constitution to be. I don't enjoy bargaining, I really can't stand feeling like I'm being lied to, and yet I also have a very hard time saying no to someone when they ask something of me. I seem to have developed this fear that either I'll offend them if I say no or perhaps they won't like me. I've associated allowing my self to disappear with having someone like me... if there's nothing there to see then there's nothing to criticize or take offense with.

Contrarily, I have an easy time saying "no that can't be right" when someone asserts any kind of notion that I haven't (impossibly) independently verified personally before they've said it... I often allow very little benefit of the doubt. Obviously I have trust issues. And yet somehow I trust a complete stranger to sell me a package deal on an unseen houseboat in Kashmir, "paradise on earth" of all places?! I think there's a certain sense of self-valuation and confidence that I need to discover. I often don't value my time and effort and energy and space and skill in the way that I should. Some of this comes from looking at self-value, incorrectly, as if it were hubris. Also, as a somewhat related side note, I've been introducing myself as "American" rather than from the "USA" because I don't like thinking of myself as being associated with people chanting "USA, USA, USA" in a prideful way that seems to me to exclude the possibility of any foreign person or place being worthwhile.

India thus far has been an experience in constant offerings of teachings... Spent too much money on crap I didn't want just because someone pushes me, and it's easier to be nice and say ok and avoid the awkwardness now and feel awful about myself later than it is to just say no? Thank you for the lesson. It was this feeling bad about myself for having knowingly allowed someone to take advantage of me that had kept me up most of the night before. But I am learning (slowly) to assert my own self and interests. Actually, since that morning ई've found myself in several similar situations where I'm asked to buy something and I've found that I am willing and fairly capable of standing my ground and even bargaining if it's something I want. I just have to remember that awful feeling of self-loathing and know that I always have the freedom to walk away, self respect intact... that can't be taken, only given away.